Expenses - Eliezer Sobel

My vaporizer showed up today;
I’d been thinking about getting one for 27 years,
but always thought it would mean I was a smoker,
and I was unwilling to make that commitment.
Before shelling out $165 for a vaporizer,
I could continue polluting my lungs for three decades,
comforted by the idea that I might choose to stop any day.

Now I can’t stop, or I won’t get my money’s worth.

Worse, this new contraption seems to use up a whole lot more herb,
so my overhead is going up as well.
I guess I could factor in all the money I’ve saved over the years
by never smoking cigarettes or getting into cocaine,
and only buying the $3.99 merlot at Trader Joe’s.
And if you consider the heroin I’ve never purchased
plus all the soft drinks I’ve avoided since my 20s,
I am virtually swimming in dough from all the ways I DON’T get high,
all the addictions that passed me by.

I’m a substance abuse success story!

(My accounts got skewed by all the Ecstasy, though;
at thirty bucks a pop,
it messed with my numbers in a disproportionate manner.)
I’m going to turn the whole thing over to my CPA and see if he can crunch it
in such a way that the IRS gives me a deduction for the vaporizer
and offers to score me some Lebanese Red for the holidays.